Conversations with Apathy

The flip side of enthusiasm, passion and energy is apathy. Over the past couple of months I have experienced apathy on and off. If you don’t know what you are dealing with, this can be a scary experience. Especially if you are “the type of person” who is usually bounding around with limitless energy.

The times I’ve allowed the fear to get the better of me, I have desperately tried to flip the coin back over to the good stuff. And that, ultimately, only ends up prolonging the apathy a little longer. Let me explain why. 

Firstly, this idea of limitless energy is a myth. At least on the levels that we are used to. Everyone needs to take a step back sometimes. Anyone who tells you that they never have a low moment is telling you a very select version of the truth. 

Secondly, your rational, intellectual, analytical, incessant-thinking mind does not control your energy levels. How much energy and passion you perceive is a result of your consciousness expanding and contracting. What you can do is start to get curious about that. To understand more about how your mind works (not the content of it – how it works), and thus thrive more in its natural flow.

Thirdly, energy is often confused with dependence. You’re full of energy as long as everything is going your way, and you’ve got lots of “amazing” things to think about. You fall flat on your face when these things cease to be true: Your mind and body are exhausted, with nothing to cling to. If you desperately try to cling to something, your mind and body take over to protect you from the vicious circle of dependence by sinking you a little lower. 

Lastly, until you realise – and trust – that you are OK even when you are apathetic, you will suffer greatly. You will think that there is something seriously wrong with you and waste your time thinking about that. You will try to find answers where they are not: In your past, in your personality the “type of person” you are, in your future, in other people, in your way of thinking… You will seek help from professionals who may encourage your dependence on factors outside of you, ignoring the fact that your reality is created 100% from the inside moment to moment by a creative force that is far bigger than your analytical mind. You will tell everyone that you are “fine”, while you numb your feelings in any way that you can. You will obsess about what you can do to make it better to the point that you feel like you are going crazy. 

Because you have absolutely no headspace or fresh thought in all of that mess. 

I have been through all of that in my life. 

I’ve finally accepted that life, for now, wants me to dance to another rhythm. And to actually be present to what is. Not just when I’m coaching or playing the guitar or writing… 

To be present and feel alive in the hardest of moments. 

To the hot cup of tea I am drinking, to the swooping birds above my head… to the sorrow and life inside someone else’s eyes.

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