I thought my life was over. That I’d failed one too many times. As I pulled the covers up around my neck, my mind literally flew outside of my body. I couldn’t focus on any individual thoughts other than “what’s the point?” and feel sick from an overdose of reality.
That night, I didn’t sleep. Only delirious moments of brief dreams, as I listened to some videos in the background to soothe my accelerated heart rate.
I’d like to have recorded myself. I’ve always been a fan of horror films, and I’m sure that night I could have competed with Paranormal Activity…
You see, when you ignore truth, life has a way of shaking you up, giving you a good “doing”, until something better comes out the other side.
I’d been jumping from relationship to relationship since I broke up from a long-term relationship in 2016. I’d finish with one guy and start with another. Always looking to find that person again, even though that person was only a construct in my mind.
When you just want to “be in love”, you tolerate all sorts of things in a relationship that aren’t healthy.
The desire to be in love is innocent and beautiful; the tolerating is sinister and harmful to both people.
Real two-way communication from the heart is the only way, and that is often missing from relationships.
Because it’s often missing from us. We prefer to live in fake worlds where we tell ourselves a story about how our lives are going than have real, deep and fulfilling experiences with ourselves and other people.
Though, it’s never too late. “Late” is also a mental construct. I had that thought “my life is over” back in June, and since then I’ve had all sorts of thoughts, feelings and experiences (if I told you about them all, I’d have to kill you :P).
My friends, family (two supportive parents, three amazing older sisters and ten nieces & nephews), coaching with my clients, my journey in the Tantra Shivaita group with Mar and Juanjo, music and my travels have all been key.
I’ve felt deeply understood by family and connected on a new level to certain friends – when I thought I’d be rejected for not following “the expected path”.
What is the expected path if not feeling alive, loving, clear-headed and creative? That is how I feel today, and I know that that is where we always return home to. Even when, as is the nature of our human experience, we spend time away from home.
That home was what I was always looking for in a relationship. Even if reincarnation is a thing, I would never have found it there. A relationship is a place to shine your light on and enjoy. Not to bathe in somebody else’s light until you burn and they have a vitamin D deficiency…
It is raining in Madrid today, and I couldn’t feel happier.